So, I feel like I’m a chicken with its head cut off. Like I’m in the dark and I have NO CLUE where I’m going or what I’m doing! All I keep thinking is what if…what if…what if… What if I’ve got this WHOLE thing wrong, and I AM called to marriage, but what if these feelings are nothing and its just the normal feeling of one discerning a vocation. What if I’m called to neither vocation and I’m just called to be single. It’s just all SO confusing.
Despite my “what if” feelings and questions, I do know what I am called to do RIGHT NOW. I know that I am called to be a student at Converse College. To show God’s love in many ways every single day. I know that God has given me one of the most amazing roommates in the world. I know that right now, I CAN’T know my vocation for sure. There is absolutely no way. I shouldn’t try to interpret my feelings and just do what I’m called to do right now, and when the time comes where I have to decide, then I’ll decide. At least that’s the way it SHOULD be. I read in a blog once dedicated to young discerners that young people who are discerning should not worry so much about the future and try to decide if Religious Life is for them, they should simply live in the here and now and when and if God calls, they’ll know it. I know that is SO true! But, I can’t just cut the idea of religious life, married life, or single life out. I mean, with religious life, its like I’m dating it. I definitely can’t date a guy right now, it just wouldn’t be right. I mean, I’m CRAZY busy, i’m trying to find a job, and I need to focus on school and relying COMPLETELY on God. I do not have the time or energy to give to a man the way that is needed in a relationship. And being in an All-Women’s college, it’s inevitable that i have ANOTHER long distance relationship, and I definitely don’t have the means to do that right now. Focusing on God, school, and a job (when I find one) is enough, I can’t focus on anymore. It is these things that I know, but for some reason it is so difficult to live by these things. My Lord is the ONLY person who can get me through this, who can give me strength and help me to rely ONLY on Him.
I don’t know if religious life is for me, and I don’t know if married life is for me. I’ll just have to ride the ride that God has created my path for, sit back, and enjoy it, taking everything in! Oh I can’t wait to go HOME to my Lord!
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