Strange, but awesome feeling

Well, it has been quite some time since I have last updated! So here goes an update…

Bruster’s is going well. I’m finally done with training, and I absolutely love it! I got to take my first take home of ice cream yesterday (we’re allowed to take up to a double scoop home on the days that we work). I was super excited, and of course, I brought home my all time favorite! Mint Chocolate Chip. And Bruster’s has THE BEST Mint Chocolate Chip!

School is busy, as usual. I have a midterm on thursday that I’m a little worried about, but I’m trying to lift those anxieties up to the Lord. The midterm is in Intro to Exceptional Learners, and my professor basically wants us to know everything in the first six chapters of the book. But other than that, things are good!

Discernment is fantastic. I went on a retreat this past weekend and the strangest feeling of peace came over me. As many people know by now, I am in a new relationship, and strangely, for the first time in 3 years I have absolutely no desire to look into any religious communities. It doesn’t mean that I am no longer open to religious life, because I really am, but I just have no desire to even look at another community right now. It is actually a grace. I am so excited to see what the Lord has planned for this new relationship!

I’m reading a new book now! Its called Captivating by John and Stasi Elredge. It’s a fantastic book about unveiling a woman’s heart. Its amazing, all you women out there should read it!

I love how God likes to keep my life adventurous!

Obedience

Wow! God has been teaching me SO much lately! It is so amazing how God can teach you so much in times of darkness, or tough times. Not only is discernment about asking God what you can do for Him, but its also about obeying him when He does tell you what to do for Him. You can never be certain about where you are going in life. The only thing certain about life is its uncertainty, as many philosophers say. You only know what God wants you to do when He tells you to do it…on His timing. He will tell you when and if he wants you to be married, or to be in the religious life, or a single person. But a vocation isn’t just about married life, religious life, and single life.  A vocation is anything you do in life. Currently, my vocation is to go to school, pursue a degree in Special Ed: Deaf and Hard of Hearing and serve Him. ALL of us have a vocation to purely serve our Lord and live in Love. The way we live out that vocation varies. So, I’m not going to say that I WILL be a nun, or I WILL be married. Only time will tell. It is for God to know and me to find out. I can only hope that everyone understands this. So many assume that I am going to be a nun as soon as I mention that I am in discernment. Discernment is a life long process and, like I said, NOTHING is for certain.

Amen!

A Valuable Lesson

So today, I learned a very valuable lesson….so here goes…

Discernment is not a process of making a decision…its where you simply ask God…”What do YOU want me to do for YOU?” I cannot rule out anything. I cannot just continue on a path and say “I WILL enter the religious life.” If I do that, then something may come along that God really wants me to do, and I may miss it. I am NOT in control of my life…He is! So if a relationship happens to develop, then it develops. I just have to sit back and allow it to happen. However, it is this reality that is very hard for me to accept and live with. I want to be in control of my life SO much…but I CAN’T…that Is not my job…my calling is to allow God to shine through me, for me to be His instrument…

My Lord, Give me Strength to follow your will!

A chicken with its head cut off…

So, I feel like I’m a chicken with its head cut off. Like I’m in the dark and I have NO CLUE where I’m going or what I’m doing! All I keep thinking is what if…what if…what if… What if I’ve got this WHOLE thing wrong, and I AM called to marriage, but what if these feelings are nothing and its just the normal feeling of one discerning a vocation. What if I’m called to neither vocation and I’m just called to be single. It’s just all SO confusing.

Despite my “what if” feelings and questions, I do know what I am called to do RIGHT NOW. I know that I am called to be a student at Converse College. To show God’s love in many ways every single day. I know that God has given me one of the most amazing roommates in the world. I know that right now, I CAN’T know my vocation for sure. There is absolutely no way. I shouldn’t try to interpret my feelings and just do what I’m called to do right now, and when the time comes where I have to decide, then I’ll decide. At least that’s the way it SHOULD be. I read in a blog once dedicated to young discerners that young people who are discerning should not worry so much about the future and try to decide if Religious Life is for them, they should simply live in the here and now and when and if God calls, they’ll know it. I know that is SO true! But, I can’t just cut the idea of religious life, married life, or single life out. I mean, with religious life, its like I’m dating it. I definitely can’t date a guy right now, it just wouldn’t be right. I mean, I’m CRAZY busy, i’m trying to find a job, and I need to focus on school and relying COMPLETELY on God. I do not have the time or energy to give to a man the way that is needed in a relationship. And being in an All-Women’s college, it’s inevitable that i have ANOTHER long distance relationship, and I definitely don’t have the means to do that right now. Focusing on God, school, and a job (when I find one) is enough, I can’t focus on anymore. It is these things that I know, but for some reason it is so difficult to live by these things. My Lord is the ONLY person who can get me through this, who can give me strength and help me to rely ONLY on Him.

I don’t know if religious life is for me, and I don’t know if married life is for me. I’ll just have to ride the ride that God has created my path for, sit back, and enjoy it, taking everything in! Oh I can’t wait to go HOME to my Lord!

Suffering: A part of being Christian

“The Saints and friends of Christ served the Lord in hunger and thirst, in cold and nakedness, in labor and weariness, in watchings and fastings, in prayer and meditation, in many persecutions and reproaches.” –The Imitation of Christ

Suffering is a huge part of being a Christian. By choosing to follow Christ, you choose to give up your life on earth so that you may have eternal life with Him. Your life on earth may not be pleasant, you may not have many friends, and people may hate you, but that is all for the great glory of the Lord! Why is it that I complain so much about not always being completely fulfilled or having too much homework? Those are such petty things! When I think about the sufferings that other people go through just because of their faith, I feel guily for even complaining about anything. Yet, I still complain. I should be accepting my sufferings and using them to praise the Lord! This is a lifelong challenge that I will always be fighting and striving to be better. Jesus told his apostles that they will suffer, that they will hate them because they hate Him. Well, that suffering is not just limited to the Apostles. Year after year, day after day, saints all over the world suffer just because they have a great faith in our Lord, Jesus Christ. Because they know the Truth, and they are not afraid to proclaim it. The Lord comforts His children when they are suffering, He wraps His arms around them and He brings them home. Home, that’s where I am striving to be on this earth. Not my earthly home, but my heavenly home. If I have to go through many sufferings to get there, so be it.

still feeling strange, but yay for friends!

So I still feel wierd. I don’t know what to think? How do I know? Am I going in the right direction? questions…questions…questions, they’re everywhere…

So to get my mind off of it, I went to interlude with a good friend tonight. It was nice. We played connect four, checkers, and drank de-caff coffee. Then we watched A Walk to Remember, which is one of my favorite movies. I wish I could be more like Jamie. So laid back and cheerful no matter what obstacle comes my way. I do strive for that, but it’s so difficult. To be cut down like that, then just not let it affect me, just to focus on impressing God and living for Him completely, the way that she does.

Praise God, Thank you Lord for having every detail of my life worked out…only you know what’s best for me!

Jumping in too soon…

So, I noticed today, again, that I tend to jump off of emotions into things. I don’t think things through, and while that’s okay for some things, for most things it is not. I should take the time to talk things out with Jesus to see what He says about each and every situation. This typically happens when I haven’t had very much sleep and when a lot is happening in my life. I just start jumping to conclusions and panicing about different situations. But, “My help comes from the Lord, the maker of Heaven and Earth.” Thankfully, the Lord always steps in and helps me realize to SLOW DOWN. I try to rush things in life, and that just is not necisary. Everything should be on God’s timing, not rushed. God always swoops down and saves me just when I start to jump into things and acting on my emotions. It is quite amazing actually. He lets me get it out and be frustrated, then he shows me that the grass is not necisarily greener on the other side, that no matter what He plans for me, I can and WILL make it through. If God puts you to it, he’ll get you through it!

A Strange New World

So, I moved into Converse yesterday. It took a lot of work and I’m quite sore. But I got pretty much everything unpacked yesterday, which was great. Orientation Leader Training hasn’t been bad at all. It’s been really great seeing everyone again. I really missed all of my friends, so it’s great to catch up with people.

However, Things are strange for me. Most of my friends graduated last May. I was realling close to all of them. It was wierd this morning when I left to go to mass. I actually looked in the lobby expecting two of my friends to be there ready to go to mass together. I keep expecting to see different people, and they’re not here. I realize that they have moved on to gain more and different experiences, however it hasn’t sunk in yet. I’m a Junior, and that is way strange. Just yesterday, I was a freshman coming into orientation.

I just feel so awkward here and not at peace. Like a part of me is still missing. Maybe I left a part of me back at Camp Burnt Gin, but I wasn’t at complete peace there either. Where, Lord, where will I feel complete peace? Where do you want me?!

Lord, Calm my anxious heart…

Today, I have been anxious all day. I have been trying to live in the here and now while discerning. I don’t quite understand exactly how to live in the here and now while trying to discern my vocation. I just cannot seem to clear my mind today. It’s so strange. I have thought after thought running through my head. About the future, about my vocation, about what is going to happen when I get to school, about the people I’m excited to see…just thought after thought. I went to mass this evening for the Feast of the Assumption, and it was driving me nuts! My mind was going everywhere and I just couldn’t seem to focus on mass. Mass is one of the most important things in my life, receiving the Eucharist, the bread of life…I have a great reverence for the Eucharist, it’s the greatest gift of my faith, yet I couldn’t clear my mind. I was constantly asking God to help me clear my mind. So after mass, I went to slip into the adoration chapel and prayed for the Lord to grant me peace and to calm my anxious heart, which helped quite a bit. I feel much better now. It was just so strange.

That is definitely something I will have to work on this year. Clearing my mind and only focusing on the here and now.

Lord teach me how to live on the here and now and discern your will.

Hail Mary! Teach me through your son to surrender everything.

School soon…

Wow, I can’t believe that camp is over and school will be starting soon…like really soon…like two days from now I move in! It’s so strange feeling. I feel like I’m having an out of body experience. Like Camp really isn’t over and school really isn’t starting. I just feel so strange. Saturday, I will move into school, I will see my bible study leaders and my closest friends at school. I’m excited to see my friends, but I’m not sure if I’m ready to go back to school. I’m kind of nervous. I’m not at peace right now.

Dear Lord, I ask that you grant me peace about going back to school.

I don’t want to rush time, time goes fast enough. I want to enjoy and live through completely each moment of each day. I do not want to feel anxious. I want to strive to “cast all of [my] anxieties on the Lord because He cares for [me].”

Lord, help me live just that.

I cannot be worried about my vocation, I just have to get through school. If God ever asks me to fill out an application, I’ll do it when He calls me to do. Even if he calls me to fill out an application does not mean that I will actually become a nun. Do I want to? yes, I do. Does the Lord want me to? That’s for Him to know and me to find out. I wish people would understand this. There is no way for me to know for sure if this is for sure my vocation. I feel that there is a great possibility that I do have a religious vocation, but I cannot know for sure until it actually happens. Not until I take my final vows. I am truly excited to see where the Lord takes me this year. I can only hope that I am totally faithful to Him and that I do His will every minute of everyday!

Lord, Help me do your will every minute of everyday. Help me stay faithful…