weird feelings…

So I feel strange…really strange. Like maybe I’m just exhausted and these strange feelings come with it. Its like one of those strange feelings where I could just use a hug from a man…if that makes sense at all. This whole trying to find a job thing is really stressful. I’m starting to run out of money and I need something now! But I don’t want people to think that I’m desparate…I need to trust that God has all of the details already worked out, and I need to just trust in His timing. I just need to do what he tells me to do when he tells me to do it. God help me!!

Job Search…yikes!

So, I’m looking for a part-time job. I need something flexible that will work around my classes and meetings. I’ve applied to Sodexho, which is the food company that runs our dining hall and cafe, and I just turned an application into Starbucks. I’m going to get my name on the work-study list just in case I can’t find something anywhere else. Minimum wage has gone up, so it shouldn’t be too bad. So, I’m hoping out of all of these things that I will find a job. My last resort is a grocery store or a restaurant where people who can’t get jobs anywhere else go. The thing that I fear is that I have no retail or food industry experience. I have experiences from other places that have a lot to do with working with children, but this is completely different. However I work hard and I am teachable, so hopefully that is simply enough. I usually pick things up easily once shown to me visually.

Please pray for me…I need money and a job NOW!!!

Jumping in too soon…

So, I noticed today, again, that I tend to jump off of emotions into things. I don’t think things through, and while that’s okay for some things, for most things it is not. I should take the time to talk things out with Jesus to see what He says about each and every situation. This typically happens when I haven’t had very much sleep and when a lot is happening in my life. I just start jumping to conclusions and panicing about different situations. But, “My help comes from the Lord, the maker of Heaven and Earth.” Thankfully, the Lord always steps in and helps me realize to SLOW DOWN. I try to rush things in life, and that just is not necisary. Everything should be on God’s timing, not rushed. God always swoops down and saves me just when I start to jump into things and acting on my emotions. It is quite amazing actually. He lets me get it out and be frustrated, then he shows me that the grass is not necisarily greener on the other side, that no matter what He plans for me, I can and WILL make it through. If God puts you to it, he’ll get you through it!

A Strange New World

So, I moved into Converse yesterday. It took a lot of work and I’m quite sore. But I got pretty much everything unpacked yesterday, which was great. Orientation Leader Training hasn’t been bad at all. It’s been really great seeing everyone again. I really missed all of my friends, so it’s great to catch up with people.

However, Things are strange for me. Most of my friends graduated last May. I was realling close to all of them. It was wierd this morning when I left to go to mass. I actually looked in the lobby expecting two of my friends to be there ready to go to mass together. I keep expecting to see different people, and they’re not here. I realize that they have moved on to gain more and different experiences, however it hasn’t sunk in yet. I’m a Junior, and that is way strange. Just yesterday, I was a freshman coming into orientation.

I just feel so awkward here and not at peace. Like a part of me is still missing. Maybe I left a part of me back at Camp Burnt Gin, but I wasn’t at complete peace there either. Where, Lord, where will I feel complete peace? Where do you want me?!

Packed up, ready to move

Well, I’m sitting on the couch waiting for my dad to finish changing my oil so I can start packing up my car. All of my stuff is packed up ready to be moved out. I’m feeling at a little more peace now. I talked with my good friend Heather today. It made me really excited to get back at school and see everyone. I think once I actually get there and settle in, I’ll be at much more peace. I’m kind of looking forward to be back in a regular schedule. It’s easier for me to pray that way. I’ll also have an adoration chapel and a catholic church just a few minutes down the road. That really helps a lot. I’m also really excited to see my bible study leaders and their family. They have the most precious kids. 3 10 year olds, an 8 year old, a 7 year old, and a 4 year old. All of their kids are adopted. 3 of them are siblings and another 2 of them are siblings. They are all so full of energy and so enthusiastic about the Catholic Church. They’re an amazing family.

I may also have a job for this semester. It’s a nany/do some house work job. I’m excited to see what the Lord has lined up for me with this.

Once I get to school, I may not have much time to post. I have intensive training for Orientation for five days, then five days of Orientation for the Freshmen. I will be going from like 8-10 everyday, so I’ll be quite busy.

So, Until we meet again! God bless!

Lord, Calm my anxious heart…

Today, I have been anxious all day. I have been trying to live in the here and now while discerning. I don’t quite understand exactly how to live in the here and now while trying to discern my vocation. I just cannot seem to clear my mind today. It’s so strange. I have thought after thought running through my head. About the future, about my vocation, about what is going to happen when I get to school, about the people I’m excited to see…just thought after thought. I went to mass this evening for the Feast of the Assumption, and it was driving me nuts! My mind was going everywhere and I just couldn’t seem to focus on mass. Mass is one of the most important things in my life, receiving the Eucharist, the bread of life…I have a great reverence for the Eucharist, it’s the greatest gift of my faith, yet I couldn’t clear my mind. I was constantly asking God to help me clear my mind. So after mass, I went to slip into the adoration chapel and prayed for the Lord to grant me peace and to calm my anxious heart, which helped quite a bit. I feel much better now. It was just so strange.

That is definitely something I will have to work on this year. Clearing my mind and only focusing on the here and now.

Lord teach me how to live on the here and now and discern your will.

Hail Mary! Teach me through your son to surrender everything.

School soon…

Wow, I can’t believe that camp is over and school will be starting soon…like really soon…like two days from now I move in! It’s so strange feeling. I feel like I’m having an out of body experience. Like Camp really isn’t over and school really isn’t starting. I just feel so strange. Saturday, I will move into school, I will see my bible study leaders and my closest friends at school. I’m excited to see my friends, but I’m not sure if I’m ready to go back to school. I’m kind of nervous. I’m not at peace right now.

Dear Lord, I ask that you grant me peace about going back to school.

I don’t want to rush time, time goes fast enough. I want to enjoy and live through completely each moment of each day. I do not want to feel anxious. I want to strive to “cast all of [my] anxieties on the Lord because He cares for [me].”

Lord, help me live just that.

I cannot be worried about my vocation, I just have to get through school. If God ever asks me to fill out an application, I’ll do it when He calls me to do. Even if he calls me to fill out an application does not mean that I will actually become a nun. Do I want to? yes, I do. Does the Lord want me to? That’s for Him to know and me to find out. I wish people would understand this. There is no way for me to know for sure if this is for sure my vocation. I feel that there is a great possibility that I do have a religious vocation, but I cannot know for sure until it actually happens. Not until I take my final vows. I am truly excited to see where the Lord takes me this year. I can only hope that I am totally faithful to Him and that I do His will every minute of everyday!

Lord, Help me do your will every minute of everyday. Help me stay faithful…

Summer over…

Well, I got back this afternoon from my last session at camp…for this summer. My campers were amazing this session. We had a lot of fun. I had a couple of signers in my cabin, which made me really happy…I could practice my ASL! yay!

The past two days were really emotional. I really dislike goodbyes, but that’s not really why I was so emotional. This summer I encounter many spiritual battles. Most of my peers had no idea. Negativity is really contagious! For a couple of session about halfway through the summer, I hit a really big slump. People were pulling pranks, not pulling their fair share of work, gossip galore…it just felt never ending. But then, after much prayer, the two people that caused most of the problems left and the atmosphere was just so much better! God also blessed me greatly! The past two sessions were really peaceful for me. I worked with great people and had fantastic campers! And the goodbyes didn’t bother me. But yesterday I realized how much Burnt Gin is a part of me. If I don’t go back next summer, I feel as though a part of me will be missing. I love my kids! I have to do at least one more summer. I only hope that God allows me to do so. This year, I have to work on focusing on the little positive thing instead of the little negative things. My Lord please help me to accomplish this.

I move into school on Saturday…I can’t believe it’s here already!

Prayer request

Please pray for my grandfather. He’s not doing so great healthwise, and no one knows for sure what is going on. He is aging, so it is normal for him to have health problems, but please pray that God will lighten his burden and keep the suffering to a minimum. Or that God make him and my grandmother stronger to bear this cross. Whatever God’s will, please pray for my grandparents.

maybes…

My mind is full of maybes right now. Maybe God is calling me to take the challenge and find a community right now. Maybe God is calling me to wait until I’m done with college, teach for a bit while I look for a community. Maybe God is calling me to enter the August right after I graduate. Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe.

Visiting and discerning with communities is one thing, actually jumping out of the boat and filling out an application for one is another. It’s a very scary thing. I don’t want to make a mistake. I don’t want to enter the wrong community. I don’t want to enter a community, then find out that I wasn’t supposed to enter a community.

HOw do I know that what I feel my heart telling me right now, my heart is actually telling me? How do I know that it isn’t just me wanting to do something rather than God telling me to do something? How do I KNOW?!

Right now, I have a huge feeling that I’m supposed to enter right out of college. Now that I know that there are options if I don’t get my debt paid off before I graduate, it makes me think that God may be calling me to enter right after I graduate. Do you know what that means?! That means I have to find a community, get the application, fill out the application, apply for the fund for vocations, and get it ALL done within the next TWO years! EXACTLY two years!!! On top of going to school, working, paying off debt, and building my business! WHAT?! What God? you want me to do WHAT?! in WHAT amount of time?! REALLY?! But wait! Is it you that’s really saying this? or am I just anxious, again? HOW DO I KNOW?!

okay okay, I know! I have to breathe, i have to PRAY! I have to just take it a day at a time and allow GOD to do the work for me. I just have to be His hands, His feet, and His voice. I just have to do HIS work. This is not me doing this, this is Him. It’s all about Him and His glory. Not about me, not about my fears, not about my anxiety. He will take care of it. No amount of money is too great for Him! Now amount of time is too small for Him! I know this, I really really do! I just have to remember it. ::stick in memory, now REMEMBER!::

Oh how I LOVE the Lord! Oh how I desire NOTHING but to be consecrated to Him. To be His bride. He will guide me. He will take my burdens. If I’m meant to be in a community right after I graduate, it’ll all work out. I’ll know when the time comes. What I do know right now is that I should be visiting communities throughout this year. I must continue exploring and just take it a day at a time. It will all work out in His timing! God is SO good!

And now, I leave you with a song by Danielle Rose…It’s called “Let it be Done Unto Me.”

The Lord sent me to Mary
As she was praying in the sun
I said “Hail Mary favored one the Lord is with you, Mary it’s true.”
She did not understand
She said, “Shall I touch the sky with these small hands.”
A peasant from Galilee destined to become the Queen of peace

And all heavens and the earth stand still in silence waiting for soul to replay
She is free to choose
God will never abuse
The sacred yes she cannot be denied

Let it be done unto me
With one small yes, the world will be redeemed
What was impossible is now a possibility
Let it be done unto me

Mary do not be afraid
Behold you will conceive a son through whom the world is saved
Humility will be your throne
And in your a womb our God, our God will find a home
Oh Lord how can this be?
I have not given any man my body’s purity
The spirit will come down like once there in elizabeth
Can now it shall be found

And all heavens and the earth stand still in silence waiting for soul to replay
She is free to choose
God will never abuse
The sacred yes she cannot be denied

Let it be done unto me
With one small yes, the world will be redeemed
What was impossible is now a possibility
Let it be done unto me

She yes to the Father
Yes to the unknown
Yes with all her strength
Yes with God alone
The first holy communion took place that blessed day
Christ came into her body
When Mary chose to say

Let it be done unto me
With one small yes, the world will be redeemed
What was impossible is now a possibility
Let it be done unto me

I want to say Yes like Mary to whatever God calls me to, I strive to be the Handmaid of the Lord, just like Mary!